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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.